Even If I Don't Come Back
by Chima
Summary: Lee's thoughts as he goes into surgery for his Chuunin Exam injuries.


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The ceiling is made up of twenty-four tiles, each seemingly identical. They are held up by bars of metal; cold, dull, unpolished. The walls are pale, barely-blue.

_"Even if I cannot use ninjutsu or genjutsu, I want to prove to everyone that I can become a great ninja!"_

The pain in his arm and leg isn't so great when he's lying like this, on his back. He knows that there is very little solid bone left in either of them, instead all that holds them in their shape is the skin and torn muscle. Since he's still, there's only a dull ache in his spine and ribs. He knows that several of his vertebrae are fractured and a number of his vertebrae are in pieces. The soft pillow tucked under his neck and the base of his skull lets him forget the way he swoons whenever he stands straight. He knows there are several long cracks in his skull.

_"For someone like me, who didn't know what to do, you opened the way for me. Just work hard."_

The twisting in his gut was from internal injuries, he told himself. Not fear.

_"You taught me that the idea of believing in my own strength was priceless."_

"Lee?" her voice is soft, and she touches the side of his face gently when he turns his head slightly to look at her. "Are you ready?"

_"But this time...Even if I try my best...Even if I believe in myself...It doesn't make any difference."_

He just looks at her, meeting her gold eyes. They're steady, looking into his own with nothing but confidence. But there's something beneath the confidence...

_"Please tell me, will I become like you, Gaisensei?"_

Something...

_"Gaisensei, please tell me! Why am I the only one to suffer like this?!"_

Something unsure.

_"I'm gonna prove it, even if it kills me. I want to protect my precious desires and dreams! Because I have my own nindo."_

Not toward his surgery, or not precisely. She knows the statistics, the operations, the precise balance of chakra and life, as utterly and completely as she knows her own name. It's toward something else, toward her own losses, the ones she couldn't help. It's unsurety, because she doesn't know if it's right to hope that this will help make up for the ones she couldn't save.

_"I am prepared to take the risk. Please teach me that forbidden technique. Everything is for my dream! It's everything to me..."_

Lee doesn't know who they were. All he knows are the twenty-four tiles, and four walls, and the metal bars. The heavy door, the windows leading from this room to the corridor. The dull pain in his body where it was crushed and torn. The woman waiting to hear if he is willing to die.

_"What should I do?! Please tell me!" _

He can't look at her any more, so he looks to the ceiling instead.

_"I will train you until I die. If you train until death, you will definitely become a great ninja. It's a promise."_

"I'm ready, Tsunadesama."

_"...I don't know why, but I remember the time when you and Kakashisensei had the rock-paper-scissors contest."_

She nods and lifts a mask from a rack beside his bed, gently setting it over his mouth and nose. He can smellfeeltaste the chemicals in the air coming through the tube and into it, and for a moment his body tenses - memories of a mission gone wrong when they were attacked by a nin using poisons - and then relaxes. The air is cool and dry, and it coils in the base of his lungs and slips through to numb his body.

_"The surgery...whether I live or die...winning or losing...But this is different than rock-paper-scissors!"_

His feet don't feel like they're still there, and when he tries to wiggle a toe nothing happens. The tips of his fingers feel cold.

_"...Do you remember what happened after that, Lee?"_

The dull ache in his arm and leg are gone; but then, it feels like his limbs are gone. The needles of pain he's grown used to feeling in his back feel less like daggers and more like the tingling of a sleeping limb.

_"The point of this rule is: whatever happens, you must try to put yourself into a situation with greater pressure. And furthermore, even if you fail, you are able to train harder, as you will set an even higher goal."_

Lee squints his eyes. The ceiling is warping. He should say something; ceilings aren't supposed to bend like that. But when he opens his mouth to speak, his tongue lies dead in his mouth and his jaw just hangs loose, lips half-parted.

_"...If I set a goal as high as yours, and work hard, I will definitely become a great ninja!"_

Hnn...it doesn't matter so much. Everything's gone blurry anyways, and what's left of his body is floating. The cool air is holding him up.

_"Until you are able to keep up with me, I will train you until I die! It's a promise!"_

His lips curve up in a small smile and he sighs. He's felt heavy for so long, like the world is putting everything it can on his shoulders just to see how much he can carry before he breaks. It feels nice, to be light like this.

_"You, who put in so much effort...the operation will definitely succeed."_

Tsunade is looking at him again, he can feel her eyes, but he can't turn his head toward her. Oh, a touch on his forehead...she's brushing away a few strands of hair. They're warm and cold at once...how odd...and they feel like they're not all there.

_"Just in case...no, suppose the worst happened.."_

It's all right, though. The room with its tiles and walls and cold metal is fading away. He doesn't feel cold anymore. He feels warmth...he _is_ warmth. It's safe here, because there's nothing left of him to hurt. It's dark now - did the world disappear or did I close my eyes? It doesn't matter so much...because when I come back, _he_'ll be there.

_"...Suppose the worst happened...We will die together."_

And even if I don't come back...he'll still be there.

_"It's a promise."_

He'll come and find me.

_"Without a purpose, there would be no point in living. That goes for both of us."_


End file.
